Finding Peace in the Chaos with Giovanna Silvestre

What if the plan that looks perfect on paper leaves you empty when the noise dies down? We sit with Giovanna Silvestre—creator of Confused Girl and author of Confused Girl: Find Your Peace in the Chaos—to explore how chasing boxes, status, or a picture-perfect family can’t touch the deeper ache for self-worth. Giovanna walks us through leaving Hollywood, almost taking over her family’s restaurant, and choosing uncertainty over a life that didn’t fit. That choice cracked open depression, then clarity, and eventually the practices that helped her build a bottom to her cup so joy could finally stick.

You’ll hear practical tools you can use today: short daily solitude, self-talk that heals instead of harms, and simple rituals to release shame and guilt. Not a visualizer? Try embodied grounding—yoga, swimming, dance, or even structured “rage” release—to remind your nervous system you are worthy of joy. We unpack the comparison trap amplified by social media, and Giovanna offers two powerful reframes: bless what you desire when you see it, and turn envy into curiosity by asking mentors how they did it. These shifts move you from lack and timeline panic to alignment and forward motion.

We also dig into why women carry inherited shame around bodies, sex, and aging, and how naming it breaks its spell. Giovanna shares the long road to publishing her book—years of writing, rejection, and then a breakthrough right before her father passed—underscoring a bigger theme: trust the timing of your life. If you’ve felt confused, behind, or secretly hollow while “doing everything right,” this conversation will help you choose from your true nature, not from fear. Subscribe, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a review to tell us the one illusion you’re ready to release.

Follow Giovanna on Instagram:
www.instagram.com/ConfusedGirlLA

Buy Giovanna's book:
https://amzn.to/4qBjZ8X 

Chapters

• 0:00 Meet Giovanna And Her Story
• 3:52 Leaving Hollywood And A Life Plan
• 9:07 Hitting Rock Bottom And Naming Confusion
• 13:42 The Illusion Of Boxes And True Alignment
• 20:32 Finding The Bottom Of Your Cup
• 27:27 Shame, Guilt, And Letting Them Go
• 34:02 Joy Practices And Small Commitments
• 39:52 Comparison Traps And Social Media
• 47:22 Alchemizing Envy Into Guidance
• 53:52 Who The Book Helps And Why
• 59:07 Timing, Rejection, And Trust
• 1:01:52 Final Insights And Giveaway Details

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:22

Well, hello, Giovanna. That's so it sounds so I'm in Mississippi, so that sounds very like, I don't know. What is what is your background? Where is Giovanna? Italian, yeah. Um that's what came to mind, but I didn't want to I didn't want to assume Giovanna. How do you so and your last name? Sylvestri. Yeah, I wouldn't mess that up.

SPEAKER_03: 0:43

It's like really it should be instead of calling you know my brand Confused Girl, I should have started like a luxury line of purses or something and called it Giovanni.

SPEAKER_01: 0:52

Yeah, you know, look at my new Giovanna.

SPEAKER_03: 0:56

Exactly, exactly. Hey, hey, you never know. You never know, it could be in the cards.

SPEAKER_00: 1:01

Yeah. I mean, it's uh I feel like a lot of women who grow a really big brand wind up having lines of stuff. So could be in the making, who knows? Who knows? I'm really excited to talk with you today. I love the whole confused girl brand and I can't wait to hear more about it. But to start out, uh, if you would just introduce yourself to my just women talking shit audience, they're they're something else, and they um they seem to appreciate me having women like from all walks of life on here. And so I know a little bit about you, but could you um right quick just introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about what you're doing, how you're helping the world, and what you're building here?

SPEAKER_03: 1:43

Sure. So I literally just got the hard copy of my book from my publisher. Confused Girl. I am so excited. So this is what I'm currently doing right now is promotion and PR for my book, Confused Girl. Um, we're in the pre-order stage right now. But yeah, I started my brand. Well, I'm from California. I grew up in San Luis Obispo, which is beautiful wine country by the water. And my father um was from Italy and my and my mom's Irish American. And so they owned an Italian restaurant in San Luis Obispo, which is where I grew up. And I grew up working in the restaurant business, and I was like free slave labor for them.

SPEAKER_00: 2:33

I've low-key always wondered that because anytime I go, especially to let's say that I want to go get like some Japanese food, I always see their kids there working. And I'm I've always been curious.

SPEAKER_03: 2:44

And the way you said it. Well, you know what though? I honestly I'm just teasing. I mean, I mean, it's true. It's not like you know, they were paying me to work there, but um, I mean, I would just go into the cash register and pull out and be like, Papa, I'm taking a hundred dollars, I'm gonna go shopping or whatever, you know. So I mean, there was a uh there, yeah, we're definitely, we were definitely spoiled, but um, but we were a family business and we all worked together. And it was honestly a really great way to grow up. And I, and it gave me my entrepreneurial spirit, you know, it really, because you're like in it with your family, and it's like kind of you guys against the world and everything. So it just it and I learned so much about business and how to negotiate from my dad. So after I went, I came to LA and I went to USC, and then after that, I worked in the film industry for quite a few years. I worked in Hollywood, and that was like the cool thing to do at the time. I don't think it's really cool anymore, but at the time it was. And I um I after working in that a few years, I, you know, I just I do I love film and I love TV and I love the creativity of it, but I really wasn't doing the creative stuff. And I'm just like, the people are nuts. Like, do I really want to spend the rest of my life around these like people? And then I saw the women that had been in it for years, and God bless them, they're trailblazers. I have massive respect for them. But I'm like, I don't want to become like them. They were all hardened and mean and verbally abusive. I was like, no, no, no, no, no on prescription pills. I was like, no, I don't want to do this. And so I was like, you know, maybe I'm supposed to go take over my parents' restaurant. So then I go back home. I was, I was working, I was, you know, taking over the restaurant for two years. And then I started, I met this, I was, you know, one night while working, and I was behind the bar, and um, there was a guy sitting at the bar, and we started dating. This was just uh just like a year before online dating started. So it's like, it's like you actually met in a real way. And so we started dating for we were together for the that two years while I was at home working, and um, and it kind of looked like my life was gonna, you know, get married to him, start a family with him, and take over the restaurant, which, you know, could have been a beautiful life. Like that could have been, I'm sure that is a dream for some people, and that's that's their dream, but that wasn't my dream. And I and to be honest, I didn't even know what my dream was at that point. I just knew this wasn't it. And so I had to get the the balls to just let it go, which was really hard because I mean he made good money and he was really good looking and he spoiled me. I've actually never been spoiled by another man like him, you know, which is kind of a hard pill to take sometimes. But um, it just I knew it wasn't right, and I still, I still stand on that. It just wasn't right, it wasn't the right time. And then also the restaurant wasn't right for me. I was miserable. I was fighting with my dad and I wasn't happy doing it. So I came back to LA and I was just a broken person because everything that I had identified with, I no longer had. I didn't have the man, I didn't have the money, I didn't have the career, I didn't have the future, I just had nothing. So I fell into this really dark depression. And I'm like, you know what? I realized that I had cared so much about what other people thought of me and that if I was doing the right thing and if I was being um, you know, like, yeah, doing something doing something cool, like working in the in the film industry or taking over my parents' business, making them happy. It's like I cared so much about what other people think, I didn't even know who I was. And so I just got to a place where I'm like, I have to figure out who I am and what I want to do here with my life. So that's when I was able to get out of my depression and I talk about all of that in my book and how I was able to do that. And then I, but I'm like, okay, I'm still confused though. I still don't know who I am and what I want to do. So I started a video blog called Confused Girl in the City because I'm just like, I'm taking the shame out of feeling confused. I'm just gonna take the shame right out of this because I felt so shameful about it. And I'm like, I'm done with this because nobody comes into this life with a manual. And things happen to you in life that you don't anticipate, things don't go the way you want them to go, and it's all very confusing. So let's just admit it and go from that honest space.

SPEAKER_00: 7:43

I love that. I love that so much. That is like the most I'm going through that. I'm 36 years old, you know, and I keep thinking, I know, I know who I am, what I want, and and we evolve forever evolving, right? But I love how you were talking kind of about which I feel like a lot of people can resonate with when it comes to checking the boxes, like we, you know, society says, especially um the part about getting married and settling down all those things, and you realize, yeah, it's not, I'm not ready for that. It's not what I want right now, but I don't know what I want. That really speaks to me. I have I have a full family right now. I came into my marriage with three bonus sons, had a daughter, and then had a baby. And I'm now five, almost six years into this, and I'm like, is I'm just gonna be frank. And I've had this conversation with him. Is this what I want? Is this what I want? Like the the our our kids clash, his family doesn't have really any involvement with my son, but with the other ones, and you see you you start to over time look at everything, the grand scheme of things, is like, is this is this what I want? Who am I? And so I feel like a lot of people can resonate with that checking the boxes, it looking like you should be happy. But says, Am I truly happy? Am I yeah, or am I checking the boxes? So can so so out of out of all this confusion, which is just spot on, confused girl. Oh my god, I'm like, I'm forever confused.

SPEAKER_03: 9:19

Well, you know, well, you know what? I just want to say thank you for sharing that. I mean, that's that's really awesome. I'm I know heavy shit. Oh, that's crazy. Yeah, that is some heavy stuff. And you know, everyone can, I think so many people out there can relate to that. And and that's why I wanted to write this book. Because I think that we are taught a certain depending on where you grew up, you know, who your family is, what religion you grew up in, what part of the world you grew up in. You come, you, you, you come in pure, you come in with your pure little soul, and then you're taught to value these things and think you should do these things. And then, and a lot of these things that we're chasing are illusions, they're not real. And so we're like chasing the illusion, and then we check the box of that illusion. Okay, got that illusion down, still unhappy. I'm chasing after the next illusion. Okay, check. And then you get to a place where you're like, I've I all the things that I thought I wanted, I have now, but I'm still unhappy. Because I believe that actually happiness comes from a level of contentment and knowing of thyself. Because then you choose with intention. You don't choose because you think it, I'm supposed to do this or it's gonna look good, or I'm checking a box, like you said. You actually choose because it feels in alignment with who you are, your true nature. So I wrote this book because I'm like, I want to help people get in touch with their true nature. Because if you, if you listen, our whole you're never gonna 100% know yourself. Because it like you said, we're always changing, we're always growing. I I have a uh chapter called Um Destiny is a moving target, you know, because you know, things evolve and change as we evolve and change, and I and I talk about how to flow with that and life and and your destiny. But I it makes me so sad that we have so much illusion out there, and then people just become a cup with no bottom, and you can pour the whole ocean through them, and the cup is still empty. So you've got to find bottom to your cup. That's like that's like the first thing, and that's finding the bottom to your cup is is saying I have worth because I exist.

SPEAKER_00: 11:39

Oh, that's can we backtrack a little bit? I'm like, hold up, I'm getting a masterclass right here. You're like all on these tangents and I go everywhere. Well, that's what this show's about. Just women talking shit and shit's all over the place. So um, so what is so for people listening and to help me too being this confused, you know, I think like you said, we come into this world like a blank slate. There's no manual, you know. I confidence, for instance, whenever I teach about confidence in my coaching business, I've I've finally accepted that and I realized that like we don't come out with confidence. Like you don't pop out of your mama and they're like, here I am, you lucky people. No, it's like it's a skill set learned over time, right? And so can we can we kind of backtrack? And so for like for the person who is feeling really stuck and confused right now, can you give them any tips on how to find that bottom of the cup? Because I'm sitting here like, Fog, what's my bottom? Well, I this makes sense. I'm pouring the I'm pouring the ocean into this cup, and nothing is I don't feel fulfilled. I don't feel fulfilled. Every time I think I'm fulfilled, I'm like, actually, I was temporarily fulfilled. I was on this high and little inside in little insider thing. Found out yesterday I'm bipolar. So now we got a whole new onion to peel. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 13:05

So the doctor diagnosed you. Huh? The doctor diagnosed you with that?

SPEAKER_00: 13:10

So I went in for an intake, and the lady was like, uh, you're you're super bipolar, without saying it that way. We went through we were there for two, three hours going through this, and I go officially next week to like speak on medicine and whatnot. And I'm willing to give it a shot because I am very confused right now. I've I've been in this relationship almost six years. I chased that illusion. I was like, I've always wanted a big family, you know. I come from a big family, and I was like, this will fulfill me, you know. And in the middle of being pregnant with my I miscarried the child before that, and then I got pregnant again, and my whole in my mind, my purpose is to be a mother, right? And so I was like, Oh yes, finally I get to be a mom. My baby's here almost eight years apart. Thought I was never gonna get that opportunity again. And then I'm I marry my husband very quickly. It was we we spoke about this, chasing that illusion, right? We had to do it quickly. It was a legal contract, we couldn't even live together unless we got married. And then you throw in my baby daddy number one, he died in the middle of my pregnancy. So, all these things in the moment, it was good for me, you know, like, and I felt safe and I felt protected and cared for. And now, as we get into this, lots of things are shifting and changing. And so it's and then you add the bipolar. So I'm wondering how how do you get out of, and I know you're probably not in a medical expert, and I just mentioned the bipolar because it'll help you understand the highs and the lows in my life, but those, even if you're not mentally ill, you have those highs and lows. And so finding that bottom, yes, which I thought was gonna be this overnight family. I went from being a mom of one, single mom of one, to a mama five overnight. And I thought that would fulfill me. And now I'm here and I'm like, I actually don't feel fulfilled, and I don't know where that bottom of the cup is. So I know you've got some great tips for the person to trying to find that.

SPEAKER_03: 15:08

Yeah, well, the thing is, is like if you look at it, you said, I thought this would fulfill me. I thought having a big family would fulfill me. I thought the kids, all the kids would fulfill me. Now, it's not to say that your marriage isn't fulfilling or that the kids aren't fulfilling, it's that you yourself are not fulfilled with yourself. This is a you issue, not a them issue. So that's number one. So in these, and that's what I'm talking about with chasing the illusion. Because kids are fulfilling. Like for somebody who wants to have them, they truly are fulfilling. I mean, you know, a career is fulfilling. I'm very fulfilled doing what I'm doing because I think I'm I'm really gonna help a lot of people, like I'm fulfilled, but I'm fulfilled doing it because I'm I I have a level of contentment and knowing of myself. And that's and that's what my book is about is helping people get to that point. And so for you, you know, especially because you're surrounded by so many people, you know, I would say that you really do need to find some moments of solitude where you just allow yourself to be with yourself. Because now you've been you've put yourself in a situation where you can you you were already running away from yourself, and now you could like even distract yourself and run away from yourself even more. And and it's like time to like stop doing that. That's like the first step. And you're admitting it, which is great.

SPEAKER_00: 16:45

You're like, oh yeah, I'm here to say, I'm one fucked up show. How can we get how can we make this show better? Because I don't want to go through life pretending that it's okay, pretending that I'm happy. And I know, I know it's a me problem. You know, I'm asking for help. And so I'm I'm really excited to hear what you have to say next.

SPEAKER_03: 17:05

Yeah, well, I would say, I would say first, like you definitely, it's great, you got really real about it. You accepted your situation, but I wouldn't do anything abrupt. I would not throw the baby out with the bathwater as far as like get a divorce and because now you've got like kids involved in this, and like you know, there's a lot of moving parts here. So I would say you need to start, yeah, you need to find the bottom to your cup and then start filling up your own cup. And actually, I I feel this is a lot easier. Well, your situation with the bipolar, that's another thing, right? So I'm gonna talk about it like I like you don't have that, you know, because I don't, I don't, I don't know that I am I'm not a doctor, right? I don't I don't want to talk on that, speak on that. But as far as with other people, it's it's and yourself, it's not that difficult actually to start shifting and changing. It's just saying I want to be more dedicated to myself and I want to feel like I have worth just because I exist. So I really think you need some solitude, even if it's 10 minutes a day, or you just like sit down with yourself and you meditate. You know, and then you can say in your head, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. You know, like these words of affirmation to yourself, like talking to yourself. Start to notice your negative thinking, start to notice when you start coming down on yourself and you start beating yourself up and be like, you know what? I'm not, I'm gonna stop doing that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that to myself today. I also, you can imagine when you start to beat yourself up, you can imagine those thoughts um like going into a burning trash can and just burning them, like incinerating them. Like I used to do that with my negative thoughts, and the visualizations really help. See, all this stuff sounds really small and like trivial, but it's not because you're retraining yourself in a healthier way. You're retraining yourself to take care of yourself and to love yourself, and that's self-love, that's filling up your own cup. That's giving yourself self-worth. You treat yourself good, you have you have a level of self-worth. You ignore yourself, you run around like a chicken with your head cut off, you you know, and and don't face anything within yourself, and then your your your your the bottom of your cup is uh is not there, and you know, you're never full. So um another thing, this is this is uh oh, I love this one. I I have a whole chapter in my book about shame and guilt. And women, we I think we we literally just have a lot of shame because of generational trauma being a female, you know, like even something so natural is like our periods, like oh, we don't, you know, talk about it, menopause. Women now are talking about it, but before they didn't talk about these things. It's like, oh, that's shameful, you know? Getting older is shameful, but you don't see men thinking that. If men had periods, they would it would be like some amazing time of the month where they were like heroic and they bled and didn't die, you know.

SPEAKER_01: 20:31

So I mean I'm laughing so hard over here trying to imagine men for periods, like oh, be having a party every month, woo! Celebrate me, right?

SPEAKER_02: 20:41

Or like we're in the grocery store, we're like hiding our tampons in our pads, we don't want anybody to see that we're buying this so shameful, you know.

SPEAKER_00: 20:49

Yeah, my daughter does that. She's like, is there a man in there? I don't want to go in there if there's a man in there. And I'm like, baby, no, it's okay.

SPEAKER_03: 20:56

Yeah, see, I mean, this is just this is like just inherited shame. And then you go into religion, and then with like, you know, um sex. I mean, I had so I was raised Catholic. I have I had so much shame around that. And so we just have all of this. And then even if a guy does something disrespectful, now I speak up. But before I felt shameful, like I did something for him to act this way. No, I didn't do anything for him to act this way. This is the way he acts. You know, I'm a respectful, nice girl. He's acting poorly, it has nothing to do with me. So, anyway, we carry a lot of shame. And so I came up with this like great way to get rid of my shame and guilt. And this was very intuitive how I did this. So I would do walks by the beach every day. And when I was walking by the beach, I would have I would imagine like a like I was having a backpack on my shoulders, and it was full of my shame and guilt. And I would imagine all the things I felt as shame about and guilty about, and it would all just be in this backpack. And this backpack felt like it was like weighing me down. And so I would feel all of this, and then I would turn my back to the ocean, and then I would just release the imaginary backpack into the water and let the waves take it away. And I started doing this every day. And then it was like I started to become lighter, and then the shame and guilt eventually left. And now if something comes up, I'm like, oh okay, did I really do something wrong? Or is this or is this not is this mine? Is this mine to have, or do I need to let this go? Because the weight of shame, the weight of shame on a person over years weighs heavy, and it just gets heavier and compounded.

SPEAKER_00: 22:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 22:50

So we have to learn to let that go.

SPEAKER_00: 22:53

Yeah, that that rings true for me. You you mentioned like sex and religion and all that. Mississippi. Yeah, you have an idea then. Um I always tell people I'm from Mississippi, don't hold it against me because I'm one of those that think outside the box, you know, and I I've I moved away from church. I was humiliated when I lost my virginity, and there was like a whole sermon about it, and it was a whole thing. Um, so I have a lot of trauma and shame there. And being in my now 30s, discovering pleasure and and things of that nature have been really difficult for me to form those connections and feel worthy of that. What the examples you gave were all very mind-based and visual. So I'm curious, do you have any can you speak on anything that maybe for the person who is not a good visual, like able to visualize stuff? Because I know for me in the beginning, visualizing was really tough. It was really tough to like do that. Um, and I'm I know some people are very like really like for me. Um when I held my first retreat, I had a a co-facilitator and we had a rage ceremony, and that for me, like was huge. I was like beating the shit out of the pillow and all these things. Like I took a pillow and was beating the crap out of a couch, and that that helped me release. So uh, I'm curious if you have anything else, maybe for the person who is not good at visualizing.

SPEAKER_03: 24:22

Yeah, well, I do think that you do need like everyone needs to discover what brings them joy and what they enjoy doing, and then you need to do that because that within itself is its own like self-love practice and even meditation. So for me, that's yoga. Like yoga is really helped me. I'm actually going to a yoga class after this. Um, because I'm like, I just need to ground, you know. Yoga is has been so essential in my life. But I mean, for some people, it could be pole dancing. I mean, it could be tap, it could be jazz, it could be, you know, um, swimming. I also really love swimming. But I think we all need to find like some kind of activity that makes us feel where we experience joy and a certain level of peace. Um, because doing those things that you enjoy is signaling to yourself that you're worthy of joy.

SPEAKER_00: 25:22

I love that. So you're saying in order to find fulfillment, to at least be headed in that direction, maybe get curious about what brings you joy. Could be a first be a first step. So for instance, um, let's say I'm thinking about, you know, I'll have conversations. Let's say like with my mother, that's a great example. My mother is someone who, in her, and we call it her pastime, she'll sit and talk about, you know, back in my day and this, she's not even that much older than me. She's only 17 years older than me. So we've always kind of like had this I mother her, she mothers me, but we're also friends. So whenever she speaks to me, and I want her to get her pink back, you know what I mean? Like we're both trying to get our pink back and discover our identities outside of being mom, outside of being a partner. Um, but we'll have conversations and she's she'll say things like, you know, man, I really do wish miss painting. I miss this and this. And all I can ever say is, so do it. So this feels kind of like a permission slip to tell the person out there who's looking for things to bring them joy, go out there and figure out what brings you joy. And maybe it's painting, maybe it's dancing. And we tend to like put it off in the distance. Oh, I'll do that tomorrow. I'll start tomorrow. But what you're saying is go ahead and start doing those things now.

SPEAKER_03: 26:41

Absolutely, absolutely. And actually, so what I did with my video blog when I started that like over a decade ago, because I didn't know what brought me joy, I started to do one new thing every week. I made a commitment to myself. And this is the thing about all of these things, you know, you have to make a commitment to yourself and you have to be disciplined. You do need discipline. Just like with a job, you need to show up, you need some level of discipline. With this stuff, you need a level of discipline. And so I was like, okay, once a week, but it could be once a month you try something new, you know, to figure out what you like and what you don't like. And it doesn't have to be expensive. I at the time didn't have much money. I was working part-time jobs. So I would just go on group on and I would see what was going on, you know, what they had. And so I did, granted, I live in a city, so there is a lot going on, but I mean, there's stuff going on in small towns too that you could do, um, or in nearby neighboring cities you could do. But uh, I did like, I even did the flying trapeze in Santa Monica.

SPEAKER_00: 27:49

That sounds cool as shit.

SPEAKER_03: 27:51

I just thought, what? Yeah. And I even I did a flying trapeze class. So I even got to the level where, like, you know, my legs are on the bar and I'm swinging, and then they go, they go, let, you know, you're you're you're holding the bar and they go, let go. And you let go, and then the guy grabs your arms, and then you, you know, your legs come off. And yeah, I did that whole thing.

SPEAKER_01: 28:13

How cool. You just went for it.

SPEAKER_03: 28:16

I love that. You just went for it. And there has to be a certain level of that too. You know, you have to have a certain level of, I'm going for it. I'm going to discover myself. I am worth discovering. I am worth getting to know myself. I am worth finding the things I enjoy doing and doing them. And still being a mom and still doing all of the other things that you've made a commitment to. But like, what why not make a commitment to yourself? Like, I think the most important relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself. And the re and I don't mean that in a selfish way. I mean that in a in actually a very compassionate, giving way. Because if you cannot make yourself happy and if you cannot love yourself and be compassionate with yourself, you really can't do that with other people. It's just posing, it's fake.

SPEAKER_00: 29:09

Yeah, I can see that. I got full body chills, and it's hot as balls outside. You see me over here like rolling my sleeves up. But I got full body chills when you said you are worth discovering yourself. What? Nobody's ever said that to me. That rang true, like that just hit me in a different way. Because sometimes you don't feel like you don't feel that way. But just hearing that statement in itself is like, you know what? I am worth that. I never thought about that. I'm worth discovering. Like, who am I? What do I enjoy? So something about that really just like bam straight to my heart. Like I needed to hear that. And I imagine somebody else out there does too. Um, so many, okay. Let me sit with this for a second. So many good little nuggets and take and takeaways. I'm still over here thinking about you flying through the air on a trapeze.

SPEAKER_01: 30:04

Like I just, ah, what a visual. That sounds so fun. And you mentioned it really does.

SPEAKER_00: 30:14

I'm not you ever do that again? Like, let me know. Let me come with you because that sounds badass. That's such a you're still.

unknown: 30:22

Laughing.

SPEAKER_00: 30:23

But it's just kind of one of those things where I mean you went for it. I think that's the hardest thing is just saying, you know what, I am worth it. And I'm gonna, I'm just gonna go for it.

SPEAKER_03: 30:32

Yeah. And I mean, you know, you went for it in starting a family. You went for it in in, you know, having a kid. Why not? And that to me is like, whoa, that's really going for it, you know, why not go for it with yourself?

SPEAKER_00: 30:48

Mm-hmm. Yeah. When I look back, and these are discussions, you know, that I'm having with my husband openly. Like, I feel like because I was so unsettled with myself, I a relationship jumped. Like I'd get out of a relationship and think, oh, this will fulfill. And I've always been someone who is never out of a relationship for long. I didn't take that time to discover myself. And so it makes sense now I'm in this family where I should be like fully just like beaming with joy, right? What I have a lot of people would kill for. And but I truly feel like I can equate it to the fact that growing up in a very, you know, I suffered from a lot of childhood neglect. I was left alone a lot as a kid. Um in drug environments, very unsafe environments, and we'll we'll leave it at that. But like I don't know, I guess I never really knew who I was. And I didn't get the time to figure that out because the the home was so broken. And and so I was forever chasing this illusion of well, if I have a big family, I'll I'll always feel loved. But I'm what I'm piecing together, I'm having these epiphanies as you speak, is that I'll never find fulfillment because I genuinely still don't know how to love myself. Exactly. And that's I'm gonna cry. That's a really hard thing to admit, you know. And so lots of good takeaways here already.

SPEAKER_03: 32:23

Oh Jacqueline, you are so you are just such a sweetheart. Wow, like what what a vulnerable, beautiful, like little soul you are. I mean, you know, to be so honest and everything about that is huge. And you know what? So even people that presumably seem like they came from a perfect family, you know, they could have experienced a lot of neglect and and or narcissism or you know, as well. And I and I think honestly, there's a very small percentage of the population that can actually say, like, I was, you know, in there in it when they're being really real and conscious about it and aware that they could say, Oh, I was really loved, and I had a very like, you know, loving, conscious family. You know what I mean? It's like, and and it's and it is sad because then we as children, we tell ourselves, and I talk about this in my book too. I re I write about it and and talking to your inner child and like giving her the love that she didn't receive, like in whatever way that you didn't receive it. And um it's when we come from a situation of neglect, we're basically uh we're basically believing that we're not worth someone paying attention to us, we're not worth that. And then so we create this image of okay, well, if I have a family and then if I have all these people around me, then I'll be worth something. But you were always worth uh something, you always were worth something. It's just you discovering it for yourself, and then that changes the game. So by you uh discovering that for yourself, you could actually be fulfilled in your current situation, or you could be like, it's time for a change, you know. But but it's hard to know when you're operating from a place where you don't feel worthy because you're just on to leap to the next thing to try to feel worthy. And that's that I I would say to anybody, just stop, just stop, you know, go inward, go inward, go inward, and and start loving that little girl that didn't that didn't get that love.

SPEAKER_00: 34:50

Yeah, and that that's kind of where we're at right now, rediscovering and it's kind of like pulling a bunch of stuff out that I didn't even realize was there. And having you know, having a a the beginning of a diagnosis is helping me a lot to understand why I why I am the way I am and why I do um feel these things, which come and go, like I can be on top of the world one day, ready to take on the world, signing clients, no big deal, no big deal. I'm invincible. But then the very next day, and and yeah, it just plummets. And so, and now that's uh that's a mental illness thing, but I I share all this so openly because it is helping me figure out who I am, and that's one big thing is I remember as a kid like not being able to share my feelings and not being able to be transparent, and feeling like I had to be a chameleon in every situation I was put into, right? So I always think it's super sweet whenever I connect with somebody on these interviews and they're like, oh, thank you for sharing. And I'm like, I know it probably sounds like I'm sharing it for myself, but how many people are out there right now so confused, so lost, and just need to hear from somebody, like, oh, okay. I so I can actually admit to not only to myself, but like out in the open, because it or to somebody really helps me. Like being able to share that with you really helped me. But I always share because I know there's somebody out there that's not at that point yet where they can share, or maybe they're not even aware, you know, yet until they hear this. So I I appreciate you, appreciate Nate for letting you know it's for somebody else. I don't know who else yet, but somebody out there.

SPEAKER_03: 36:35

You know, it's it's kind of funny because this um a friend of mine who's in Austin, Texas, she said that a therapist told her when in talking about like you know, she was talking about her relationship with her husband and everything. And a therapist said, if you could look at it like women are slightly bipolar and men are slightly autistic, that would kind of help you understand like everything. And and um I I uh I thought that was really interesting, and I think it's kind of true because even though I'm not like diagnosed bipolar, definitely, and I think most women can relate to this when you're hormonal. Like I have PMDD, so like really bad PMS and very hormonal. So that makes me feel bipolar a lot of the times because you'll be like, hi, and then you come down, and then you, you know, and it's like it could be this some some months aren't so bad, but then other months hit and I will just feel low for a couple of days, and I just have to like tell myself, like, just get through this, don't overthink, just like go to sleep, just get through this, and then it will shift. Like, if not tomorrow, then the next day, you'll come out of this. And it, but when you're in it, it feels so intense. And so, you know, I could just, I can't even imagine then what the bipolar feels like because that's like a whole other level of that. Um, and I that would be like a very, very tough thing. And, you know, it's interesting. My my grandmother on my mother's side, I never met her, but she was bipolar. And they said that she was actually kind of like a genius. Like she was so vivacious and so beautiful, and she would um sew like all of her own dresses, make dresses for my mom, sew her own shoes. She would just make everything by hand, and she would be like on these benders where she would just be up all night making all this stuff. And in the morning, it was like she had created all of this stuff, and then she would go through. And the family said that when she was high, it was like the best life, the best feeling, just even being around her, you were like vibrating because she was so high and amazing. But when she was low, and the alcohol I think contributed to that, um, she it was really bad. Like she could get violent and stuff like that. So I I know a little bit about it just from you know hearing about my grandma and stuff like that. But it's thank God though, now they did not have the stuff they have now, like for my grandma's like they put her in like a mental institution where they electrocuted her and stuff like that to try to help her. And so at least now they have medication, they have doctors that understand these things. There's you know, much better care out there.

SPEAKER_00: 39:32

Yeah, if we were to think back on I've I've read and and they put it in films too, like the electroshock therapy and stuff. That's just terrifying to me. So I am I am grateful that like there are options out there, and I'm willing to try just about anything right now. I don't want I don't want to sabotage something good if if if I don't have to, right? Um but like but like mental illness aside, I feel like most people these days, you know, life, life be life in, and life is hard, and so life in general has ups and downs, ups and downs. Um and so I'm I guess I'm curious more about like how your book can help navigate through these very confused moments. You mentioned a little bit about some chapters, but overall, um who is this book for? Like what stage do you think they're in in life?

SPEAKER_03: 40:28

I I honestly it could be for anyone in any stage of life because I wrote I wrote it for kind of for my my when I was thinking about somebody, I was writing it for somebody like me when I was going through my depression. So I was in my late 20s, but somebody else could be going through that in their 30s, their 40s, their 50s. My mother is getting a lot out of this book because she got with my dad when she was 19, and my dad passed away two years ago, and it's almost kind of like she was still 19 in a lot of ways. And so it's kind of like she, and she even said, My growth is stunted, she knew. And so she's kind of figuring out all these things that I figured out in my late 20s. And so, like the book is really helping her, like how to figure out like how to love herself and be good to herself and and navigate things. And I think a big thing, and I write a whole chapter about this, is comparisons. Comparisons can really lead you into a depression. So, and I know this because I used to compare myself to people all the time. And we're taught to compare ourselves to people as kids because that's how you know, you know how they even grade on a curve, you know, based upon how the whole class did. You'll you you yourself in there, yeah. Or when they do like on a roll, and so you're always, you know, and and even sports, you're just always comparing yourself. Now, I'm not saying that that is evil and they should stop doing that and everyone should get a trophy. I'm not saying that. What I'm saying that, I'm saying that we are we're taught that as kids, right? You're separate from everybody else, and how good you do is based upon how well somebody else does. Well, what that does is it's not just about the grades or about the, you know, running competition or soccer. It it goes to my worth is based upon the perceived worth of somebody else. And that's where the comparisons cross a line into negativity. Because we're all worthy. And what you do with this life is on you, and what you come from is what you come from. And that's those are just the cards that you're dealt. And and I I do believe, you know, I even though I'm Catholic and you know, stuff, I believe in past lives. So I believe I was a black woman at some point. I was told I was a Chinese man at some point, had a farm. I mean, I I think I was like a lot of different things. This isn't this isn't my first rodeo here. And um I I just think you you gotta you gotta go, you gotta work with what you have and go from there and not look over at somebody else and compare yourself because what they're dealing with is totally different. And I'll tell you this: there was a girl in college who I was incredibly jealous of. I just thought she had everything. And it just looked to the outside world like she had everything. She was freaking gorgeous. Like she, you know, she had peaked in college. She was stunning. Um, she had a hot boyfriend, she was like a cheerleader on the, you know, she was a song girl at USC. So she was on TV at the games and stuff. Um, she she looked like she had money. I mean, this girl was going places and everything, right? So when I was um getting my business off the ground about eight years ago, I there was this other girl that went to USC who I wanted to send my apparel to because I make yoga wear, because you know, she's a dancer and stuff. And I was like, take some pictures and post on Instagram. And while I was scrolling through her feed, I saw a picture of that girl I had been jealous of. And then I read the caption and it said, I miss you so much. Not a day goes by that I don't miss you. And I was like, What? And then so, and then I did some digging and I found out that she in her 20s, she struggled with cancer and died. So I'm like, here I am. She's been this girl's been gone for years now. And here I am, healthy and alive. And I was so jealous of this girl. Like thinking about her would make myself feel bad. And I'm just like, wow, it's such an illusion. It's so false. Don't do that anymore. And the second that I start to go there, because we're always gonna envy somebody else for because they have something we want, but then that just shows us what we want. So bless them, bless them, bless them and bless what they have and open yourself up to it and get there with what you got. Because you do not know what's coming for people, what's in store for you, for them. We all go through the ups and downs of life, and you gotta be okay with that. Maybe they're on the up, maybe you're on the down, maybe you're on the up, maybe they're on the down, but it's we're not, we're we we shouldn't be in competition with that.

SPEAKER_00: 45:36

Yeah. You telling that story makes me think about there was a girl that I felt that way about too in high school. Well, the last high school I went to, and she she was just same, beautiful, seemed to have it all together, and it killed me. And I really, I really like envied her on a like the the same level, I think, that you were speaking of. And we all had all she was unhealthy, but uh and then it was the same, you know. Um once you leave high school, like you don't talk to pretty much any of those people. And it was just really sad one day I saw a similar post, and um, I don't know that anybody ever came out and said it, but she committed suicide. So it just uh it just gives me the heebie jeebies because it just goes to show you you never know what someone is going through, and that, you know, what was it they said when we were little, don't judge a book by its cover. Because like underneath, there's so much shit going on inside a person. Like most people look at me and I hear it all the time. Jacqueline, you're so outgoing. You have a podcast, and you do this, and you do this and this, and like I'm a musician and I'm about to start playing gigs again, and it's been years, and but like I'm a performer. Nobody would ever guess that I'm a hermit that I have trouble walking into a gas station asking for a receipt. You never know. So, this whole game of comparison, it's so hard to avoid that. And I think it's even more hard or harder now with social media, you know.

SPEAKER_03: 47:13

I feel so bad for the younger generation. Like I grew up in a time where we, you know, I didn't have a smartphone, you know, until like after college. So it's this whole social media thing is, I mean, the kids, but it's interesting because um I have some older friends that have kids that are like 21. And they told me that their kids are not on social media at all because it was so traumatic for them in high school that they don't do it. And I'm like, wow, because it's a it's a real mental health thing because of the comparison thing. And that's why I wrote a chapter on it. And I mean, I even have a friend who is a man in his late 30s who is a good-looking man, a successful man who got off of social media because he was comparing himself and his life to other people. And he's like, I just can't do it. I'm I'm I'm getting off of it for a while. And so I'm like, it wow, it affects everyone. Don't it's not even just women, men do this too. And he did such a good thing. He's like, it's affecting my happiness levels. I'm getting off of it, and I'm just going to enjoy what's around me right now. And that's all you can do. Because, and he actually said, it was funny, he called me yesterday and he has all these trips planned. And I was like, oh my gosh, just like three months ago, you were all upset because everybody else was, you know, going places and doing things on social media and you had to get off of it. And um, and now you're doing stuff. I was like, see, like life goes, we're not, we're not always gonna, we're not on the same um uh timeline as everybody else. Yeah. You know, somebody's in Hawaii now and you're there in like six months. Who cares? Yeah, or you're somewhere else. Yeah. Enjoy where you're at.

SPEAKER_00: 49:00

I was gonna, yes. And that's really hard to like because you're looking at everybody else and what they what what what they have going on, it goes back to that fucking illusion. This illusion, right?

SPEAKER_03: 49:12

Illusion, yes, absolutely, 100% illusion.

SPEAKER_00: 49:16

But in in noticing, so you said something we were talking about being jealous and whatnot. I want to revisit that real quick because one thing that I've learned, because I used to get so jealous, I have this this saying that is forever gonna stick with me. And I tell people, and they're like, Again, because I have personally developed like expotentially over the past five, six years. But I'm the first person to say that happy people used to piss me off. I was like, this is fake, this is bullshit, until I started doing the inner work and finding, you know, the happiness within myself. But in all of those escapades where I would get really in comparison mode, which we like it's it's hard not to compare. Um especially I would say like I I hate it for the younger generation because they're growing up with it. But even as as you were saying, it happens to all of us, like the older you get, then it becomes this comparison of, well, I should be further along. You know, so-and-so has this, and they built this company, or you feel like you should have accomplished more. Um and what I wanted to say is for the person listening who has those moments where like you're jealous, you know what changed my life is when I realized that jealousy is evidence of what I want. Yes. And I alchemized it. I was like, oh, okay. So I'm hating because I actually want that.

unknown: 50:44

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00: 50:44

And then it was a matter of figuring out how the fuck do I get that. And that's where it all the personal work comes in that is like it seems so overwhelming in the moment that you can't figure out where to start. And then, but then it goes back to your whole illusion and time, like, what is time? Time is also probably an illusion. So maybe what I'm gathering from this is if you can find a way to maybe you can give us some tips on how to quit comparing. Like, what do we need to do? What do we need to remove, or what do we need to replace that? Um, that time that you have to compare yourself to others with. But it's life, life is it's just a journey, is what I'm figuring out. Um curious though, how do you how do you overcome that, that game of comparison?

SPEAKER_03: 51:31

Well, one one tip, because I write about all of this in my in chapter three, and I it's called mirror mirror, and I and I write about um like good comparisons, healthy comparisons, and like negative comparisons. So, like if you see somebody that's doing something, they've achieved something that you want to achieve, right? Like, for instance, I had this friend who would solo travel and go on these solo adventures, and I was so envious of her because I wanted to travel the world like her, but I was waiting for a boyfriend or a colleague or a friend. And, you know, if you wait for somebody with travel, you're never gonna do it. But so I was like, you know, can we go to lunch? I want to ask you some questions about your solo travels. And then I just asked her, like, do you get lonely? Do you, do you know, do you feel unsafe? Like, what do you do? And so, and she gave me advice. And I'm like, okay. And then after listening to her and asking my questions, I'm like, I can do this. And then I went and I did it myself. So again, it's like it's evidence of something I wanted and then I was able to do. So I would say, go to the person, ask them for advice. Somebody's doing better than you at work and sales, go ask them, be like, hey, can you give me, can I take you to lunch? Like, can you give me some tips? That shows such a confident, well-adjusted person, you know, to not just like assume that we're a competition and just be like, hey, could you give me some tips? I mean, and then um also another thing I like to do is um there is this beautiful, it's called the Hawaiian Huna blessing. And um it's like what that which you desire, bless. Bless that which you desire. So somebody drives by in a car you want, instead of like giving them the green eye, just go, oh, I would love that car. Like I'm going to bless that car and I'm going to bless that person in that car and just send them like some good energy, some love. And then you're opening yourself up to the possibility of like of abundance and receipt and receiving it yourself. Because if you go, uh green envy, that's lack and you feel lack, you feel icky, you feel less than, you feel not worthy for that. So you have to, and it's okay if you slip into it. I slip into it still, but I go, Oh, well, let's get out of this. Hawaii Huna blessings, send them, send them blessings, send them blessings. And then that's also loving yourself. That indirectly is loving yourself.

SPEAKER_00: 53:58

I love how you put that. That was really hard for me to overcome to growing, you know, and a lot of people, I would say in the South, a lot of us have grown up in poverty. So it's really hard to be able to see somebody else's success or things as evidence that it's possible for you. But what you just said, like sitting down with them, getting it all goes back to getting curious. Like, how did you do this? Is a much healthier way to go about it because, like, if they did it, why can't you? Right? We're all people, yeah. We all started the same way, we all got here the same way. Like, yeah, I love all this. Um so can you tell us? You probably said it in the beginning, but just to refresh, what the name of your book is, where we can you said it's it's out now, right?

SPEAKER_03: 54:51

Well, so it's coming out May 13th. Okay. But if you pre-order it now, and you you can find it on Amazon. It's called Confused Girl, find your peace in the chaos. If you pre-order it now in any format, then you'll enter to win a two-night stay in an ocean front room in Maui and a hundred dollar gift card to my store. Okay.

SPEAKER_01: 55:15

I've got to go buy this, pre-order this book real quick.

SPEAKER_03: 55:18

And you can you can go to my you can go to my website, confused girlinthecity.com, and click giveaway, and you'll get all the information on how to enter to win. And um yeah, and then also you can go to my Instagram and follow me on Instagram at confusedgirl.

SPEAKER_00: 55:36

I went to your Instagram. I usually typically save like the looking at Instagrams for the day before or like the morning of the interview because of this one thing. When I got on your Instagram, I was like, fuck. I have 400,000 followers. It went back to that game of comparison, right? I was like, fuck. I'm getting my head about it. I'm getting my head about it. And so it's so funny that I did that this morning, and now this is what we're talking about because I tried not to do that. But I guess that's a good example of one way that I've you know tried to get out of that comparison role so that I can show up authentically, like very curious. I don't allow myself to go stalk the people that I'm interviewing because then I'll be like, oh my god, they're gonna. Am I even worthy? Am I worthy to be picking her brain? Like she's got all these followers, and here I am sitting at 2K. And so it's it's just funny how it all came back full circle. Like, damn girl, damn girl. I just got a mass master class.

SPEAKER_03: 56:41

No, I know, really, right? It's like that's like a beautiful thing, how that, and then it just kind of goes to show you. It's like, well, I don't have a podcast, you're doing a podcast thing. I don't have one, you know? And I appreciate being on yours and having this conversation with you. And so it's just yeah, you can't judge a book by its cover. You can't, except except for your book. Except for it's gorgeous. My book so works, it is beautiful.

SPEAKER_00: 57:11

Like the art, the art and everything is absolutely like the the color. I can't wait to read it.

SPEAKER_03: 57:20

Oh my gosh, you know, and um I this is this was seven years in the making, seven years for this.

SPEAKER_00: 57:26

Seven years, seven years. I love hearing that because I'm working on a book right now, and and I feel like it's never gonna get finished.

SPEAKER_03: 57:36

Well, you know, it's just it's it's it's a process, and it well, it took me two years to write, and then it was I was rejected by publishers for two years, and then two months before my father passed away, two publishing companies had a bidding war on it. So that's what I'm saying. Trust the timing of your life, divine timing exists, you know, and it's like, you know, and I could have been comparing myself to all these other people getting their books published, but I just I was like, uh-uh, I'm not even looking. I'm not even, I'm just gonna trust, I'm gonna believe when it's my time. And then it was right before my father passed, which was he got to know my book was gonna be published. He was very proud of me. So, and that was that meant the world to me. So it's just trust the timing of your life.

SPEAKER_00: 58:21

Giovanna. Might just change this little this little southern girl's life all in less than an hour. I feel less confused.

SPEAKER_02: 58:30

I'm happy about that. I'm so happy about that.

SPEAKER_00: 58:33

Um, but oh my gosh, thank you. Thank you so much for being on the show. I feel I feel lighter. I know that everybody else is gonna feel a little bit lighter too. Because it's there is there's like a lot of shame, especially the older you get, like you're supposed to have it figured out, you know. Before we before we go, now that everybody knows they can find you on Instagram where to pre-order your book and all those things. I used to think when I was younger the 30-year-olds had it together. I was like, when you're 30, you're like married, settle down, you get it all figured out. And I'm like, I'm just I'm just now trying to get this shit together. So it's so funny. But trust, so you're saying just trust trust the journey, trust the timing of your life.

SPEAKER_03: 59:14

Yeah. You're you're you're it's never too late to begin again, it's never too late to shift and change and grow, and we're doing that our entire lives. So, and in your 20s, it's just about experimenting and figuring yourself out. And you know, I I I wouldn't honestly make any huge, huge decisions in your 20s, as far as like you got a lot of time for that.

SPEAKER_00: 59:38

So just a lot, but a lot of us are sitting there thinking these are the years I have to, I have to make decisions.

SPEAKER_03: 59:45

And I talk about that in my book too. I I that's something I do write about. Yep, how the 20s you like you have to have everything figured out, and you really don't have to have anything figured out. You you I think it just it's good to know a level of what you like, what you don't like. You tried things, you put yourself out there. Um, I think that's really important.

SPEAKER_00: 1:00:06

But thank you for normalizing that because there's a lot of shame around it. Like you should have it all figured out. No, all right. Well, this has been freaking amazing. I needed this more than I even knew. I was kind of in a funk earlier. I was like, ah. But it's it's just goes to trust that timing because I needed I needed this conversation today. And I we couldn't have planned it as far as like what I was going through, right? It just gotta trust. Trust that people will come into your life when they're supposed to, and you'll learn the lessons as you go. But one thing is I think to not just sit back and wait for things to change. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 1:00:47

Yeah. Yeah. Make the change and start with yourself.

SPEAKER_00: 1:00:50

Mm-hmm. All right. Well, go follow her. Go pre-order her book. Uh I you're gonna announce who wins this trip, right?

SPEAKER_03: 1:00:59

Yes.

SPEAKER_00: 1:01:00

Okay. I'm gonna be like waiting, hoping it's me. But if it's not, but if it's not, I'm blessed in whoever wins. Because that's gonna be awesome.

SPEAKER_02: 1:01:11

I like that.

SPEAKER_00: 1:01:12

You told me something. See, it already stuck. It already stuck. All right. Well, thank you again for being on Just Women Talking Shit. Thank you for sharing your heart, your wisdom, all your life experience. Uh, it really means a lot to me. Like, you have no idea how much it means to me. And I know it's gonna mean so much to my audience, especially for that person who's feeling so stuck and confused and needed to hear this today. Thank you so much. I appreciate you. I'll talk to you later. Bye. Bye.