Just Women Talking Shit
Just Women Talking Shit is your go-to self-help podcast for real talk on personal & spiritual growth. Hosted by Jacquelynn Cotten, personal evolution mentor & founder of Spiritual Support System, this podcast features juicy interviews with badass, one-of-a-kind women. We dive deep into the good 💩, bad 💩, weird 💩, & life 💩, offering insights & inspiration to help you live a more authentic, fulfilled life. Join us for relatable stories, expert advice, & practical tips on overcoming challenges, building resilience, & embracing your true self. Tune in & start your journey towards personal evolution today!
Just Women Talking Shit
Unfuckwithable at 35: A Candid Conversation on Marriage, Motherhood and Moving Forward with Allie Casazza
What if divorce could be positive? What if unconventional choices could save your family? Allie Casazza shatters expectations in this raw, emotional conversation that will leave you questioning everything you thought you knew about relationships.
Allie opens up about how she went from a religious upbringing and young marriage at 20 to building a thriving online empire that began with simple decluttering tips on a mommy blog. Her viral success in 2016 launched her into the spotlight, but it's her approach to personal evolution that truly captivates. Now certified in neurolinguistic programming, emotional freedom technique, and hypnotherapy, she helps women break free from subconscious limitations.
The heart of this episode explores Allie's revolutionary approach to divorce and co-parenting. She and her ex-husband maintain a beautiful relationship where he still works in her business, makes dinner for the family, and gives her pep talks when needed. Their story challenges the belief that divorce must be contentious, revealing how two people can "graduate" to a different version of partnership that serves them better.
This conversation goes deep into the struggles of blended families, the importance of prioritizing children's mental health, and the courage to make unconventional choices when traditional paths aren't working. Allie shares how turning 35 marked her transformation into becoming "unfuckwithable" – finally embracing her authentic self after years of hiding books from visiting parents and maintaining a vanilla persona to please others.
Whether you're questioning your relationship, navigating co-parenting, or simply trying to live more authentically, Allie's wisdom offers a refreshing perspective: "You get to decide. You get to write your own story." Her parting advice? The relationships most showcased on social media are often the emptiest – true connection thrives in privacy and genuine care.
Visit www.AllieCasazza.com to discover how you can make your life lighter in every way or connect with her on Instagram @allie_thatsme.
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We never had to have a discussion of if this was going to be okay or not, even in our decision to get a divorce. I remember exactly where we were sitting on the porch at an Airbnb in our favorite city, carlsbad, california, and I just looked at him and I was like I really feel like it's time, I really feel like it's time to shift. And he was like, I know, and that was it. We talked about it, we cried, we, I know, and that was it. We talked about it there, we cried, we hugged and then I went on my book tour. Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, you're listening to just women talking shit with your host, Jacqueline.
Speaker 1:Cotton.
Speaker 2:Jacqueline Cotton. How are you doing?
Speaker 1:today I'm doing good, I'm so ready. I have like fun plans this weekend and it's been one of those weeks where it's like nonstop like back to back to back everything, and I'm so ready to just unplug after today and have a good time. But I haven't done any like press at all and so seeing this on my calendar at the beginning of the week, I was like, okay, I'm so looking forward to that. I love this stuff.
Speaker 2:Oh, good, good, good, good. You just made me think about a piece of content that I saw from you and I was going through the other day, because I'm that person. I'm like save, save, save Every time I have some gold. And I remember a reel that you posted and first off it tickled me paint, because I'm like I love how bossy she is. But it was that reel where you were like okay, I've got your whole weekend plans laid out. And you went through and you're like this is what you're going to do on Friday, this is what you're going to do on Saturday, and by Sunday it was like you're going to have oil in your hair and you're going to go shopping. And I was like this bitch is a genius.
Speaker 1:It's a good weekend. I like take my weekends very seriously.
Speaker 2:I love it. But, allie, first off, thank you so much for being here. You, you were one of those people that were on my list. Like I had a spreadsheet and whenever my business coach she earlier this year it was like September, I think she's like okay, jacqueline, you keep saying you're gonna, you're, we're like 2025 is like your big year. So like what are you fucking doing about that? So she made me get organized and I put this whole spreadsheet together and she's like there has to be purpose in each podcast episode and like we need to find people that are online, that like they have this, like expertise and dah, dah, dah Anyway. So one of the people I wanted to speak to was like a really what I feel like powerful life coach or someone in that realm, anyways. So I was nerding out and I was looking at hashtags and I'm like chat, gpt, what do I look up to find the perfect da, da, da da. Anyway. And I stumbled upon you and I remember being so nervous I was like okay, Allie.
Speaker 2:I didn't know how to pitch to you or anything. And then you, you like days later wrote me back I think I probably got buried, and you were like, okay, Allie, I didn't know how to pitch to you or anything. And then you like days later wrote me back I think I probably got buried, and you were like what? Yeah, what does that entail? And you were so nice about it and it was just one of those moments where I was like I totally got my head about that.
Speaker 1:I know we do that and it's so, it's so silly because, like, we're all just women like behind the account, just trying to get our voice out there and help people or sell our product or whatever it is. So I do the same thing, though, and then every time I meet someone that I thought like oh my gosh, I could never, it's always like the realest exchange and just so relaxed and ends up being a friend. So I always hope that that's the experience that I leave people with.
Speaker 2:Oh for sure Already, I'm like well, I'm not, ever since you responded, especially, I'm like I'm geeking out over here, and then you, you disappeared on us for a minute, which is oh, yeah, so like two months away from awesome.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I do that a lot.
Speaker 2:Good yeah, good yeah, I do that a lot. Good yeah, good. But it's just I just wanted to put that out there because I know I get like I'm like when somebody comes to me and they're like oh, I've been following you or you really inspire me, or it always takes me back and I'm like I'm so freaking glad you told me, because I'm over here in $2 socks Right, Just trying to.
Speaker 1:I feel like, especially lately in my business I've just been like behind my desk, like doing so much behind the scenes work. So when someone sends me a nice message or says like they watch something, I'm like, oh yeah, there's stuff going out of the front too. Thank you for watching, Thank you for telling me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh, that's great, okay, well, my interviews are super informal. Okay, it's already started, in case you don't know.
Speaker 2:I do this Like I just hit record and then I'm just like we can cut out whatever, but like I just want the authentic like hello instead of the like want the authentic, like hello instead of the like, and now we're starting hallelujah, and for me it's awkward because I like I have a bunch of social anxiety and so I'm like me being here is a thing to begin with, but then you add structure to it, like too much structure, and it's just like. That's not me at all at all. So I didn't know. You do. I love that so much.
Speaker 2:Some people, though, do you get this a lot with your podcast, like. So the intake form for me you didn't do one, but I usually have an intake form for people I don't like, I haven't been following and I don't know well, I don't know their integrity and all that, but, like the intake form is it? It's like who are you, what do you do? What would you talk about? And pop me your links and everybody's always so dumbfounded They'll write me and I'm talking about like I've gotten some. I've got some really good interviews coming up with some I would consider like in my world famous people, and they're all just like okay, so will you please send us the topics and everything to prepare and da, da, da, da and the list of questions, and I'm like we don't do that.
Speaker 1:here, I literally say that. I say I don't do that. I think that the reason that my show does well is because I don't do that. So, like in the in the CEO club with the girls that have podcasts, that's what I teach them. Like, don't do that, don't succumb to this. Like, especially once you get big, don't give in and feel like you have to be super organized and do all. Like, the intuitive flow of a female host of a podcast is the magic, and you lose that when you. So if they need to be that prepared, they're probably not very good at their craft. So if they need to be that prepared, they're probably not very good at their craft. So I would maybe not have them on anymore.
Speaker 2:I like got full body chills and you said that like the intuitive flow is like where the magic is, and I think that too, I always like I want to be like Ricky Lake when I grow up is what I've always said she's so amazing, so amazing.
Speaker 1:And I don't even know what she's up to these days, but yeah, me neither. But she's done some amazing things.
Speaker 2:I just remember her energy, though, like on the show, and you could tell that she was just so like. I mean, of course, they're telling her some of the things to do, but it was always just felt so genuine and like when she was taken back. She was taken back and I just think, I think about her in what was that movie? Cry Baby? Did you ever see that? I don't think so. She's in Cry Baby and she is fucking hilarious. She's like like barefoot pregnant and just oh my God, and it's a Johnny Depp movie. It's whack, it's weird. It's great, though. I hope you go watch it, but you'll love it, I think. Okay, well, now that we got all of our all my score, our ADHD.
Speaker 1:I mean, that's also what I think makes good episodes. So.
Speaker 2:Right, you kind of bounce and it doesn't get boring by any means. Yeah, but okay, for all my just women talking shit, people listening will you please introduce your amazing self? I know who you are, I'm obsessed with you, but they don't know you yet. So can you introduce yourself and you know? My main question is like what are you doing in the world to make it a better place? And you've got a huge brand and I'm just going to kind of let you toot your own horn, because they need to know.
Speaker 1:Thank you, yeah. Well, I'm Allie. I've been in the online business space for I mean officially a business like almost a decade, but before that, for years I was kind of like a mommy blogger like way back in the day when that was new, and I really just mental health is a really big thing for me and my family and I know so much more now. But, like, looking back, but when I was in those earlier years when my kids were super little and I was blogging, you know, really just for me, for fun, and I had a very little small but very loyal following, I was just really struggling. Motherhood is something that I didn't really think about much as like a kid. I didn't really like, oh yeah, I'm definitely going to do that. In fact, there were times where I was like probably not, and I was told that I was infertile because I have a hormone disorder and I was just kind of like, ok, whatever, super not had four kids in five years. Like, ok, here we go. And so I just kind of fell ass backwards into motherhood and I was very young, like Brian, and I got married. We're not married anymore and we can talk about that too, because I love talking about positive divorce like so much. But we got married when we were like barely 20 and had our daughter when we were 21, and then just kids, kids, kids. So it was I was drowning and it just wasn't positive. I was waking up every day like with dread. And it wasn't about the kids, which is good, it was about the maintenance of this life that I felt like I was not present for and not living. So I started I'm just kind of, I don't know. I guess I'm a doer, like I'm going to figure things out and things need to feel good, otherwise I don't see what the point is of doing it at all. I'm a Taurus, so we're about like that pleasure, that luxury, okay, but I'm like I didn't know any of that. I'm just like this broke ass mom of at that time it was like three babies and trying to figure it out. And so I had this moment that I talk about a lot, where I was having a really, really bad day and I was sitting on the ground in my bathroom like crying and just had this like come to Jesus moment where it was like literally all I'm doing is picking up and maintaining shit we don't even need. I'm done. Who says that I have to have all this stuff? So minimalism wasn't a thing. It wasn't a trend. There was. I didn't even know what it was called. There was no Marie Kondo. There was none of that. I just started decluttering and sharing about it on my blog and how much more time it was giving me and how it helped me.
Speaker 1:That long story short just catapulted me into this world of simplicity for mothers, this world of simplicity for mothers. I ended up getting asked to create something that they could buy, where all of the steps were organized and courses weren't really a thing. Yet If they were, they weren't very well known. So I did an e-book and it turned into nothing Like. I didn't even make enough money to like buy myself ice cream after.
Speaker 1:And then I found this woman. Her name was Mariah Cause. I don't know what she's doing in the world these days, but she was like a pioneer of course creation and I was like this is it? There's something here I'm going to do this.
Speaker 1:Created a course, launched it worked my butt off, made more money than my husband at the time could have made in a month, in like a day, and I ended up like studying virality and writing this viral post intentionally writing a viral post in 2016.
Speaker 1:It took off. It was trending over the first Hillary Trump debate in 2016. It launched my career like fast-tracked it and then I stayed in that space for a while, but it led me very much into like psychology and how the subconscious mind works and why people can't let go of things, why we allow ourselves to have such messy, shitty homes and I can walk into your home and within 30 seconds, see what you think about yourself, and that fascinates me. So I went super deep into like programming of the mind, worthiness issues, studying how our physical environment affects us as women, and then today I mean shit, I'm certified neurolinguistic programming practitioner, neuroenergetic encoding, emotional freedom technique, hypnotherapist, like all these things, because I can't stop being fascinated by how our minds are literally creating everything. And manifestation is not magic, it's literal fact and science and you can use your brain to create whatever the fuck you want, however the fuck fast you want to, and I use that information to help women make their lives lighter in every way.
Speaker 2:I had to mute myself because I'm over here, like yes, you hear those. You know, like when I'm down South I don't attend church anymore, but I just remember it in church it's like, hey, man, you tell us yes, yes, that was me over here like yes, but man, so that's also fascinating. I didn't know, like how you got up into this point.
Speaker 1:Is that declutter like a mother by the way, we still yeah, we still do that every year. We're on our last day right now, so right after this I'm going to do day five, yeah that is so cool.
Speaker 2:So that's I'm obsessed with that because that's something that allows you to like what I call get paid to exist. You created it and you can just keep launching it and you can keep like and it and you love it. Seems like you love it, I it. And you can keep like and it and you love it. It seems like you love it. I love that. You love what you do. Like it's pretty obvious that you love your community, the people you serve, and you. You touch base on positive divorce. I want to talk about that, yeah, but um, it's just hearing all of that. Things are starting to, in my brain, make sense, like the content. I've seen your stories. I'm just getting a better idea of, like I guess your timeline and you said that you and your husband y'all got married.
Speaker 1:Pretty what did you say young, Super young, Like? We met. We met in math class in junior high. Oh shit, and we went, yeah, so we were kind of in the same friend circle and we didn't get together until senior year but we were married like two years after that. We were married so young. We were both raised at the same school a very, very oppressively religious school and then our parents are. We we're definitely like. We were definitely both raised super religious, very like evangelical Christian, just very oppressive of women specifically, which was really hard for me with who I am now.
Speaker 1:It took me a long time to get here. I would have gotten here so much sooner if I thought I was allowed. Oh, holy shit. Yeah, there's a lot wrapped into that. My husband, Brian, never, ever for even a moment, put any of that bullshit on me. In fact, I always say he was a feminist before I was and he was always calling me up and calling me out on my shit and encouraging me that there was ideas here, there was something here, Um and so when we were, when we and I was winning my business and we were married, during that time we very much had opposite of traditional gender roles I was the breadwinner. He still works with my company. We work together almost every day. He's my editor, my producer.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so are you. So you guys got divorced Are you? Did you remarry or are you?
Speaker 1:I'm going to Actually, I've never said this out loud, but I'm yeah, we're about to elope, shut up. Yeah, oh, fucking cool Women talking shit exclusive.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, we heard it first, y'all, I'm like so excited, oh my God, congrats. So that's, that's something I wanted to ask you about, because there was a day don't know if he's listening but I didn't know that, I didn't know that you were, that you are in a committed relationship. I haven't dug that deep. You're in a committed relationship. You have your ex-husband. You mentioned positive divorce. I've seen content where, like I think you rolled your ankle or something and yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:And I remember laying in bed. This was before, like, I started really taking care of myself, but my mentality was is that like, I've got to start setting this example of how I expect people to take care of me? And I think it was right around. Then I saw that real and I make it emotional about this because my daughter's dad died in 2020. And it totally, it totally could have been prevented. And so there's this just ongoing like internal battle of did I do enough? Did it like? You know what I mean. So I forever will have this guilt of did I do enough?
Speaker 2:And like in my current relationship with my husband, there is just this like if because we're a blended family and you know blended families are really hard, yes, um, and I remember like in those moments it's just there's this question of is this all going to work out like is ever? Is everybody happy? Um, is our love going to be enough for our children, who don't appear to be completely happy? You know, like. And so I remember laying there and it was just one of those things. And then I saw your reel of your ex-husband coming and helping you and I, I like giggled and I kind of got giddy out loud and I looked at my husband and I kind of looked back over and I just thought to myself, like is that really possible? Like, do people, are people that cordial? Are they that self selfless? Are they that able to like, remove themselves and actually work together and still care for each other and it not be, like you know, because before he died I know his ex-wife or his they didn't get divorced, they were in the middle of a divorce but like she was very jealous of me and I get it, I get it. I mean it's that's a hard situation to be in, but we didn't learn healthy co-parenting. We knew nothing. Yeah, right, and I just remember her getting really upset and it was never me trying to disrespect her, but it's like, yeah, before he died, that was her dad. He should be bringing her things when she's sick, right, like my soon-to.
Speaker 2:I don't. I didn't feel that was his role. Go out of your way, leave work, come, bring my daughter who we just started dating. You know, like he and I just started dating, like it wasn't his position. So I'm really curious, especially knowing that you're in a healthy, committed relationship now and about to elope. Oh my God, how does any of that even fucking work, like because when I, when I showed it to him and I was like man, did you know? I literally was like did you know that people like can hopefully co-parent and like the dad can come over and hang out and and they can be friends? And he was like, yeah, she, he literally because he knows nothing about you, it's nothing against you, but anybody. But he was like whoever that is that you and your ex-husband, he said they must not be dating anybody yet. Then, oh no, no, we both have just like.
Speaker 1:I just remember immediately going wow, that's what you took away from that so yeah, and that's and that's so and, unfortunately, like it's just so typical of to think that way, because this is not typical and what is typical is like angst and tension and resentment and all of these things and, of course, like we've had resentment and we've had hard conversations and we've had like, but we work through it. I don't like I don't understand that you can make a life with somebody and have babies with somebody and then not continue to do the work. Brian and I view it this way and we've talked about this on my podcast, but it's like we didn't stop being partners. We graduated to a version of it that fits for us better and I truly, truly, from the bottom of my heart, thought that I would just be by myself forever and I, low key, was excited Like I had. No, I never thought, oh, I want to go find my like Brian. I gave him, like my heart, my life, like he was my person and in many ways, he still is. It's just shifted. So meeting Sean was a shock. It was a shock to me, it was a shock to Brian. We've talked about this, but I'm happy to expand and I think I mean I want to do an episode with the three of us, because I feel like people just think we're there's like rumors online that we're like a throuple and like that we're lying, or like I'm holding the kids away from Brian, like if you don't act, like if it was that serious, like I never even had to tell anyone that we got divorced because no one would know, because he's still in all my contact, he's over here co-working with me multiple days a week, Like so yeah it the video you're talking about. To go back to that, sean was not in the state and I rolled my ankle so bad and I got glass in my foot at the same time, so he came over to get the glass out to help me. To all of it, yeah, and it's like, of course, like he was sick a couple of weeks ago, really sick, and I was like, okay, let me send you. I didn't want to get sick, I'm not stupid, but let me send you soup, let me send you, like, let me sure you're good. So I mean, it's still.
Speaker 1:I had a really bad day the other day and I was crying, I was very disappointed in myself. I had a big business goal and I did not even make 10% of it and I was so upset and I get so hard on myself. And he came over. He made steak and made food for everyone in my house because the kids are with me full time. He's like working on rebuilding his own stuff and they need to be here with me. So he comes over a lot so that they can be around him and we all hang out together, whatever. And he made dinner and he gave me a pep talk, gave me a hug, was like you're going to fix this, this is what you do, but today you need to just rest and eat steak.
Speaker 1:So like we're still partners, we're still everything, and I don't understand the other way. I don't understand how somebody could come into someone's life and then be upset that they have a good relationship with the mother of their children, the father of their children. I'm surrounded by scenarios like that with friends and I. It breaks my heart. I don't understand.
Speaker 1:We never had to have a discussion of if this was going to be okay or not, even in our decision to get a divorce. I remember exactly where we were sitting on the porch at an Airbnb in our favorite city, carlsbad, california, and I just looked at him and I was like I really feel like it's time. I really feel like it's time to shift. And he was like I know, and that was it. We talked about it, there were, we cried, we hugged, and then I went on my book tour and that was, and then I came back and we worked out the details Like it was never normal. But you get to decide that and he was on board with that decision and that's what the difference is. You have to have both. So I don't understand when one person is like I'm just committed to this, being miserable, and I'm going to be super immature and make sure that you know how angry I am and put that above the kids seeing everyone being together.
Speaker 2:Dude, I'm like really fucking emotional over here because I mean it's just, first marriage is hard and then you combine two different families and like my situation is a little it's my situation with with her dad dying, um, and there we were, in the middle of our second custody battle. There was a lot of turmoil, a lot of trauma, a lot of just shit, you know, going on. And and when I married into my husband's family, I was just like, fine, like I'm gonna get a family. You know, and I don't have the greatest relationship with my family. I come from a lot of traumas. I'm like, yeah, I'm getting a family and I squeezed a baby out of him. You know, he told me I wasn't getting one and managed to get one out of him, but you know he's got three boys. I've got my girl and then we had our baby together and I'm just, it's like I'm, I guess when I'm I'm gonna come back to your story in a second, but I'm curious for my own personal benefit. You said you there was, like it was uh, just you guys knew. And like my husband and I have had these discussions Like I had one this past week and they're hard discussions but like my daughter is suffering tremendously with her mental health.
Speaker 2:She does not get along with her brother. She's not doing well at school. I'm considering taking her out of school, homeschooling her, because I mean, her dad, low-key died from an overdose. Nobody wants to even fucking talk about that, and I've been pumping my kid full of antidepressants and ADHD medicine and she weaned herself off, and so it's like all these cries for help and for it to be so like you guys just were so mature about it. Hard conversation, but like, how do you get to that point? How do you? I think that you know, when you know, but what is the? Was there a process getting there? Like, were there several discussions up to that point? Like if you guys kind of been working towards that and you didn't, like you knew it, but you, you just kind of knew and yeah.
Speaker 1:So it was mostly from me for years, just saying like I just have a feeling, have a feeling, and I would cry Like I don't, I didn't know how to wrap my mind around, like let me give you an example. I would be like happy in my life doing my thing, and then like pick up a new book, happy in my life doing my thing, and then like pick up a new book and in the book the author is telling her story and what she's been through, whatever, and she would mention getting divorced. And every time I would come across that I would have a knowing in my soul that like pay attention to what she's saying here, because you are going to go through this and you're going to want to do it graciously. Like let's read this section. And I would purposely skip the section and freak out because I didn't want to ever get divorced, like that is the worst thing that could ever happen where I come from, and especially because how could I divorce Brian? No one's beating me, no one's abusive, no one's. Like there's no drug use, like there's not. He's a great dad, like there's nothing. But I just knew I can't describe it any other way and I would, brian and I have always had really open conversation.
Speaker 1:So I would tell him that, I would literally tell him what happened when I was reading the book and just how I was feeling, and he'd be like oh no, like well, okay, like do you need to talk about something? And I'm like, no, I just have a feeling. And then it was almost like premonition and that was like for years. Like 10 years ago it started and we've been divorced for almost four years now and so I started communicating, like hey, I'm just not feeling like I'll be super honest, like Brian won't mind. We talk about this on my podcast all the time, so I'm super real and it kind of freaks people out, so just edit out or stop me or whatever. But the big like thing for us was like I'm a lot, I am very strong, I am very opinionated, I'm the leader, I so I need fucking alpha male energy, like. And Brian is just not that. It's not that, he's a masculine. I actually think in many ways he is very masculine because he's so grounded and calm and you know, whatever. I think that's masculine because I'm over here with ADHD, like flatten off the handle for everything, and he was always like not that way, but he just wasn't more than me. I'm not his girl, he's not my guy. Why this all happened, I don't know.
Speaker 1:Maybe we should relook at what we think marriage is supposed to be and what we think relationships are supposed to be, and are they really supposed to last forever, forever, and is it a failure if they don't stay the same? I don't think it is. I have a very different outlook on marriage now and so, yeah, we had started having these conversations and I would just say like I sometimes don't feel safe, I sometimes don't feel protected, because you're not more than me, I'm more than you, and it's just your personality and it's just my personality. So what do we do? So we were like we went to therapy, we did all the things and like we never really had these like awful, like fights or anything, it was just these real conversations a lot. And he was always like I'm never going to leave you. And I was like, well, I'm never going to leave you. This would be a discussion, this would be like a knowing, and I don't think we should do anything until then. And he was like agreed, and we stayed that way for about four years and we would just bring it up every once in a while, have these conversations, just like man, I'm just really feeling sad. I feel like this is going to end I don't know when and Brian would just be like I don't want that, but I totally know what you mean. And like, we left the church together. We unraveled our religious trauma together. We went to therapy separate. He worked with an amazing life coach for men for about two years and really transformed and went through a lot.
Speaker 1:I was doing my own transformation and it was like we were growing separately and side by side, parallel, and then it just made sense and on that trip we literally went to his cousin's wedding and on that trip we just I just knew and he's thanked me since then Like thank you for being the one to say it, because I couldn't have and that's my brings me to my previous point my relationship. Now my man will literally like come up and put his hand on my chin and be like try that again. Don't say it like that. Like we love and respect each other, try that again. I'm like, oh shit, but, but, like but, that's just a silly example but like he, really like. He is more than me, he is stronger than me, he is more grounded than me, he is elite, like his personality. He can handle me and nobody ever has been able to, and that's just. It's nothing against Brian at all and he knows that. He tells me what.
Speaker 1:I broke up with Sean a while back and Brian was like what are you doing? Literally no one like he's like you're a cat, you're a unicorn, like you're rare, but you are a certain way and there and he's the oh, he's like you're a cat, you're a unicorn, like you're rare, but you are a certain way. And there and he's the oh, he's like I've. I have a lot of friends, I know a lot of people. There is no one else that's going to be able to handle you the way he handled you, like you are being so dumb right now. He was like angry and he was right.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, I give you, I give those stories and those examples to kind of give you a better picture of how the divorce went down. And then like, because everyone's always like why, why? Like who cheated, who did Like? Sometimes there's not big drama, sometimes you just grow and you know and you're mature enough to do the right thing for you. Do you know how much of a better mom I became when I wasn't in a relationship that I knew I shouldn't be in, even though there was nothing major wrong. Do you know what happened to my business? Do you know what happened to me as a like, we are so much happier when we're not married so much happier. It is astronomically different, and that's just. That's our situation. It's not the same for everybody, but that's our situation.
Speaker 2:Man, I, so your personality. I'm like nobody knows. Like we obviously are attracted to each other for a reason, because we are fiery. No fucks given. Like I'm very masculine and it is. It's too much for people, it's too. I mean, I don't have female, very many female friends.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we struggle with that naturally and it's a lot of betrayal, a lot of hurt being misunderstood.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then you add the whole, like the whole church thing, and I'm still in Mississippi. So I'm in a town called Brandon where I feel I'm literally living in a cookie cutter home. All the kids dress the same. My daughter is she's. That's what's so funny, is she shows up. She's so much like me and she's fiery. And when I say fiery, fiery, she even dyed her hair like fire red and right, and it's just like she's gonna be the same way. So I'm curious. First off, I just resonate so deeply with your energy, with your um, your mentality, your masculinity, because you've got a lot of masculinity there, yeah.
Speaker 2:And then the I'm too much because I'm too much for people. And he, my husband, says like he knows he's learning how to, um, to tell me I'm too much because you tell me I'm too much, I'm like you fucking think I'm too much, it's a trigger.
Speaker 1:It's a trigger Because we've always been told that and we've always been edited. So I will say do not edit me. And he will like stay grounded, stay firm, and like okay, and like adjust. Like he knows how to talk to me and I know how to talk to him. This is. I've just never had a relationship like this, because Brian was my only relationship. Think about that. Like we met so young. I never. I didn't know there was any other way. So I think that played into me thinking like well, it's just going to be me. And like I still have Brian in my life, like if he gets remarried or something. Like I went down that road, like okay, well, like it's just going to be me and I'm cool with that. So this relationship was very shocking.
Speaker 2:I okay. So, with all that being said, when you were telling your story, you said some things and I mentioned my daughter and all that, because I mean that's the situation, that's a real life shit. I'm going through right now, trying to navigate it, and it is a situation where it's like, as a mother, it feels like I'm going to have to pick marriage or to raise my babies. That's a situation like when you have so my son's dad, my husband, is alive. He's got mom and dad. That's a blessing.
Speaker 2:She's only got mom and she's got all this shit going on. So you said something when you were talking about you and Brian, and just that knowing. But like for me it's like a guilt that if this doesn't work out, like well, I say the same thing. Like I told him. I said, if we get divorced, and he says the same thing, I'm just done, like I'll have a friend, you know what I mean. Like, yeah, I'll have a friend, you know what I mean. Like, yeah, I'll have a friend. I'm like dude me too. But, um, the thing I struggle with is we do make a good team. There is a yin and a yang, but I definitely am a lot. He, he's the, he's the one that like, does the dishes and the wife things. I'm not good at it, I'm just not never. I mean just not. But my question is is like, if I not just me, but anybody listening who is in that situation? So for me, I've been in really bad relationships. They've not hit me and shit, but verbal abuse, mental abuse.
Speaker 1:When I was pregnant, he was not there. He was out doing drugs, leaving me alone.
Speaker 2:So it's like I've been in bad relationships. This is not a bad relationship, right, but there's guilt, like and you said something about how, how the relationship doesn't, like it's not supposed to dissipate, but like it'll shift. So I'm curious, how do you navigate? Or how, like cause that's what it feels like it's such an important decision to navigate. And when you, when there is no like big grand, you know, he just knocked me the fuck down to the floor, he's been beaten's been cheating on me. How do you as a woman even come to that level of strength, I guess, to be able to go? You know what there is. It's not him, it's not even me, I'm just like evolving. And how did you explain it?
Speaker 1:we were growing, growing parallel. Yeah, everyone's always like, oh, you just grew apart, like we didn't grow. How did you explain it? We were growing, growing parallel. Yeah, we were like parallel. Yeah, everyone's always like, oh, you just grew apart, like we didn't grow apart. We grew parallel, but it was never like. I never, ever had that. I don't even know how to describe it because I don't want it to. It's not like oh, love, like fuck that, like you choose it and it's something you embody. And whatever I still do love Brian, I always will. But it was never like I really believe. And Brian said this first and it hurt my feelings at first, but then I was like well, shit, I think you're right, and that's what I felt too.
Speaker 1:Our therapist told us that we trauma bonded because of how we were raised, in the school we were in, and we just wanted to get the fuck out and be on our own and we were so controlled, so controlled, and he's like I honestly just really think like, not, that she's right. Not only did we trauma bond, but like we got married and did everything because we just liked each other so much and we're like you're. So you get it. You're my best friend. I want to get the fuck out of here. Let's just get married and then we can have our own life. But we did not even really talk about kids. It was something that happened and so I'm like now I'm looking and I'm like, well, it's beautiful, like we had a family together and I have a good dad for my kids and he's so present and he loves them so much, and now they have two, because Sean did not have any kids biologically and he's just completely come, joined in and like they go to him for certain things and it's beautiful. But it's like, of course, I felt guilty because of all of that, like I didn't mean to trauma, bond with somebody and then just get married and then get pregnant and have kids and then just be like peace, like that's not what I did, but that's how people talk about it, that's how they talk to me and it hurts. So it's like I yes, the parallel growth thing I would, I just knew. But of course I felt guilty because so many women wish they had a man like that and but that's not me and that's not on me.
Speaker 1:The other thing I want to tell you, and everyone listening, is fuck what you think we're supposed to do? Why your daughter going through this? Like, why do you have to succumb to normal? What a normal marriage looks like Like? Why can't you just if you need space for your baby girl, take space, get her out, take space with her. It doesn't mean you have to get divorced. It doesn't mean you're not going to live together again. It doesn't mean you even don't live. Maybe there's I don't know your house situation you could live on a different level. You could move. You could Maybe there's I don't know your house situation you could live on a different level. You could move, you could. What the fuck? Like? Do whatever you want. I am so sick of like because I've had fear of like.
Speaker 1:What if I get divorced again? What is that going to mean about me? What is it? And I tell that to Sean all the time Like, oh my God, what if I? They're going to, they're going to talk about me. I'll be the problem. They're going to shame me, they're going to slut shame me. They're going to all these things. And it's like fuck that. We get to write our own story, we get to create the relationship that we want. And if there's something big like that happening, you bet your ass. The man becomes less of a priority and I'm going to do what my daughter and I need. And if that is unconventional and people don't understand it and everyone's confused or clutching their pearls over the oh, they're not living together, get the fuck away from me. And that's the thing, too, with mental health. And why I'm so passionate about this for you right now is because you're her mom. For a reason, she needed you as a mom. That's why she chose you before she got here. We're a mess girl.
Speaker 2:It's just a lot, because when you do come from, you know like the background we come from, where you're spiritually abused, yep, and shamed. Like my whole virginity was shamed they had, I mean, they conducted a whole sermon and nobody went up and prayed except for, like they shamed me into repenting for my sins, and so there's so much trauma and like this is what that little girl wanted was this cookie cutter home and to fit in. And now that we're here and I see her struggling with the cookie cutterness of everything being done, like watered down and dumbed down, it's just like you, it's. I needed to talk to you today and we couldn't have planned the timing of this or anything, and only God knows right, like what's going on right now. But hearing everything you're saying is just such confirmation for me, because I've been thinking about things like that, like I don't, I don't want to just get divorced without at least trying, like could we live?
Speaker 1:in different homes. I don't know why not. Like that's what I'm saying. Like, why not? They're like and we're also in a movement right now where young people are getting married and having their own rooms and it's beautiful. Like who was it? Cameron Diaz was talking about this, but Gen Z is doing this. It's so beautiful.
Speaker 1:Like I don't, why do we? Why do we have to do it? Like you're the person. Sean is the person I want to do this next part of my life with. But why do we have to do it the way that everyone thinks we have to do it? Why did you get? Like, if you're really married and you're really in a partnership, then that means you are prioritizing what's important to each of you and that's going to shift and you're going to take turns. If he was going through something really dark and really hard with one of his, with his boys from the other relationship, you would be like what do we need to do? What do we need? But why is only the woman, the flexible one, bending over backwards for everybody? Like no, if you need to take the time, then you take the time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's always a way to figure it out. That that is, and I and I can see that way, and I hope that he can as well. Right, but it's just immediate rejection. That's what the other person hears is rejection. You don't want to be with me and I just it's so hard to to get through to someone when, or tell me the genders of your babies you got four my daughter, my daughter 15, and she's my only girl.
Speaker 1:And then I've got three boys.
Speaker 2:So then, okay, so imagine that's the situation here. It's four boys and one girl, and then on her dad's side she has a stepbrother and a half-brother, so she's literally the only fucking girl. And then she's got a mom who's super masculine, and then she's got a stepdad who's never, ever had a girl, and all the boys are mean to her. They call her fat, they call her grenade, they're fucking mean. And then the kids at school are really mean and she's trying to figure out her identity and they say things like grave, baby, and just all these things. And you mentioned the flexibility. Like, yeah, I feel like I'm the one that has to be flexible, and even bringing the situation up is uncomfortable, because I immediately know this isn't conventional and I'd like feel the pressure immediately Like what would that make me look like? Because my dream, my dream, is right now, today, I would be completely okay with taking her out, taking my other one out and I want to buy a camper. With taking her out, taking my other one out and us having I want to buy a camper. It's like he, because he needs to be here. I've done that. Really, he needs oh my God, we got to talk about that then but he needs to be here for his boys and I get that. I respect his relationship with his ex-wife enough to know that like he's got to stay planted.
Speaker 2:But my big thing with Finley, my daughter, when her mom, when her dad was alive, was, I felt, stuck. I couldn't do that. I couldn't pick up and go. So it's just like where it feels. Like if you do it, if you even try to be unconventional, like, let's say that we you know, I do get a camper and I take the kids and I homeschool them, and then we come back and like and he sees his dad. I would love that, would be so cool to just test and see if everybody was happier that way. But I just already know that it would feel like immediate rejection, you know, to the other person and everybody's going to assume, oh, they're divorced, they're getting divorced or they hate each other, and so it's just like it's all mindfuck, yeah, and so it's just like, yeah, it's like all of this there's.
Speaker 1:This is why, like I love the techniques that I do because all of that worry and all the stuff you're holding goes away. Like I would recommend EFT to you. It will clear like, yeah, tapping OK, it will literally clear like I mean it will be gone, that you just will stop caring what they think. But yeah, it's like fuck what they think, fuck what you think you should be doing, or worrying about what they're gonna say. This is an extreme situation, so it calls for extreme moves and you can't.
Speaker 1:You can communicate to your husband like this is what's going on with Finley. This is what I'm feeling with Finley. This is what I'm feeling. Lett is her mom. This is what it like. Can I just take a break? Can I just take her out? I think she just needs a break. Can I just go explore with her for like a few weeks and just do this thing, and can we just stay connected? Can we just? I feel like in my bones I don't want this to turn into an awful story Like I think we need to take her out of this.
Speaker 2:If he takes that as rejection girl.
Speaker 1:you didn't say anything that was rejecting Like that. You can't, even though the ones we love the most we cannot take responsibility for how they perceive what we say. We can only control ourselves, our intentions and our words, and that literally had nothing to do with him. So if he took it that way, that's an issue he needs to work through. Yeah, just because you're married doesn't mean you're like now. I have to carry every single thought and emotion you ever have and change what I know is right for me. A court like that's not real love, that's fucking codependent no, you're so.
Speaker 1:No, you're so fucking right, you're so right and it's just, it's something I'm gonna have, I'll get a, I'll work through and we'll figure it out um yeah, but I just want you to know like I see you and I can feel it in you and how heavy it is and so heavy I know you need to make this lighter for yourself and you need support every way you can get it. And you need to take a second to think about what you need to do. And everybody listening, like everyone has something in their life at some point that feels like this, even if the details are different, like you have to do what you know you need to do and a partner is supposed to be with you for that. And if they won't, then they were only going to be your partner if you were typical and you're not typical.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's what I'm finding. That's what I'm finding. It's so funny because I, whenever I got out of Mississippi we moved after Hurricane Katrina and I was 16 moving to New York city that you take a Southern at church girl and put her in the big apple. Yeah, I learned a lot. I learned a lot fast.
Speaker 2:And what's funny is maybe you have like a hot take on this, but what is it about the 30s, mid 30s, where you were just like I mean, I think I start over. I got to start over, but it's just like this unfuck with like I know, I know now it has been so hard and he's, he is so great and he has loved me, I would say unconditionally and I think we will continue to. But it's like there is this I don't know if it's 35, almost 40. Maybe it's all the grief, all the loss. Maybe it's the now that I'm fully owning who I am and being unapologetic about that and starting to make money and being successful. I don't know.
Speaker 2:The show's starting to get big and I'm just, as you see, sitting in some fucking socks on my whole ass concrete floor. You see my bed. Like I don't care, I know like I've, I know who the fuck I am now and that's really that's something I want to maybe end with is like which, which? When did that happen for you? Because, like I know, we've known who we are, but it was, as you said earlier, like edited and watered down and you didn't know you were allowed to be this much. Yeah, did it start hitting you, like in your 30s?
Speaker 1:Was it some big event? It wasn't a big event for me and I that I was going to lose pretty much everybody that had been in my circle my whole life. And I did, including the closeness I had with my best friend that I've had since I was seven years old. And because you're taught like, oh, if they're not in the folds, then like they're lost and so you can't like, hey, it's a cult.
Speaker 2:It is. Thank you for saying that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I would say like.
Speaker 1:So, when I turned 35, the little present I got myself was this ring that says unfuckwithable, which I love, because you just said that I love that and it just like something shifted. Something shifted and I had been through so much, like 33 to 34 was me still trying to hold onto the old identity, still trying like, uh, brian and I were not together anymore, but I didn't tell anyone, we didn't tell anyone, not even my parents, which is like basically his parents too, like he, his family is over here and my family is our family. And, um, we didn't even tell them, like no one knew, cause we were so chill with each other, like whatever, and yeah, we just I didn't want to tell them. I did the thing, but I didn't want to tell anyone. And I was holding on to that old identity, staying fake, staying vanilla, making sure that I was still appearing to please everybody. I was learning about neurolingu, neuro-linguistic programming and psycho-cybernetics and the power of crystals and all these different things that were like evil, dark, yeah, and so I was hiding everything.
Speaker 1:I would hide books when my parents would come over, I would like hide books, like. And then when I was 35, I had been, I had gone through like so much and I just was like fuck this, I am so done hiding. It's exhausting. And so now, like I choose what I share, like that's why you probably didn't realize that I was in a committed relationship, because I'm very private about that. I really like that new level of privacy. Like I wear my ring but I haven't said shit. Like no, but everyone like is trying to figure it out and I like that try to.
Speaker 2:I I'm not gonna, yeah you have that's so special to you. I love, and I love that I think we've made it this long because he doesn't have social media, he doesn't do all those things and, like I'm, I keep him private. I keep like I told him I said you get like one post a year, man, and that's and that's happy anniversary and you don't even see that shit. But like my stepkids, I keep that private. Even my kids. I barely post them right, like it's just not, people don't realize, yeah, until they listen to my stuff.
Speaker 1:Not their business. That's how it should be, because that's not the point of what I'm here to do. I'm here to help women simplify their lives, make things clearer, lighter, better and rewire the shit that's keeping them stuck in these patterns. So why do I have to be like, oh, today we had an argument and it went like this. But I'm not like. The people that post about the relationships are always the ones that end up angry, divorced and are miserable secretly. The more you talk about your relationship, the more you're faking it.
Speaker 2:Oh, my God, thank you. I did not realize that until I married this man. All the other times I wanted to brag, I wanted to put him out there like, but it was because those relationships were empty as fog.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're trying to prove if I get enough likes you're trying, and subconsciously it is a safety thing. You're trying to prove it to yourself.
Speaker 2:Dude, that makes so much sense. All right, this has been really good, but I know you gotta go Shit.
Speaker 1:I know this is you're so easy to talk to.
Speaker 2:This is such a vibe, thank you so much. It means like it means the world to me, the little church girl. That was like sitting in the corner, afraid to even wear black because I thought I was going to hell same um and and the the purity thing like.
Speaker 1:Oh my god, I feel like we could have like five episodes together on just all the fucking trauma let's fucking chat again that's what we need to do yes, for sure, um, but before you hop off, tell everybody where to find you.
Speaker 1:Well, now that I'm risen back from my Lazarus to back to Instagram, I love how you end it with the Bible reference. Yeah, I knew you would get it. My kids the other day were like who's Lazarus? Though I was like hallelujah, thank you, that's a good sign. I'm on Instagram. It's Allie underscore. That's me. You can DM me. You can like to personally connect with me there. But then, yeah, go to the website AllieCasazacom. Kind of choose your own adventure. If you're a fempreneur, I've got so much for you. If you just want to improve your life and kind of more lifestyle mindset stuff, I'm like the queen of freebies and they're really fucking good. I take a lot of pride in my free lead magnets, like they are paid product worthy. So go, it's aliexpresscom. Slash free shit. Oh, of course it is.
Speaker 2:Allie.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, Go get yourself what you need and get supported. I love you and I'm so happy to welcome you guys into my community. Thank you for having me.
Speaker 2:You're amazing. Thank you for being here, because I told you you're on my chicken list and I was like scared shitless to even message you.
Speaker 1:Oh, how no. I'm so glad you did and we will do this again.
Speaker 2:This is so good You're, you're just you're. You're so good woman, you're so good Um, have a great live. Is this going to be on?
Speaker 1:Instagram. Um, no, it's in the the challenge community and my private thing. But yeah, I was like I'll just come hang out. Yeah, I will. I do need to do an Instagram live soon, though. Thank you for reminding me. Okay, Well, you're welcome. Well, I love you and I'm so glad we connected.
Speaker 2:Yeah, same, same, same same, and I'll shoot the show later. Yeah, okay, bye, have a good day, bye.
